Breaking the Cycle: Adult Children of Alcoholics

Growing up with an alcoholic caregiver can leave lasting psychological effects on a child that persist into adulthood. Some of the emotional consequences of living in such a chaotic, unstable environment are overwhelming feelings of fear, guilt, and shame. Some other common adult children of alcoholics traits include:

• Fear of abandonment
• A victim mentality
• Isolation
• A need for approval from others
• Low self-esteem
• Fear of authority
• Difficulty setting boundaries
• Problems building healthy relationships
• Substance use disorders

Since ACoAs didn’t have a supportive adult in their life, they don’t get their emotional needs met. Many of these children tend to feel responsible for the behavior of their parental figures and the subsequent dysfunctional environment they live in.

The first step to healing is to acknowledge the impact that childhood experiences have on an adult. Since many of the learned behaviors start at such an early age and become a part of the child’s identity, it’s important to seek professional therapy and support groups for recovery.

Part of the healing journey is learning self-compassion and doing inner child work. ACoAs must accept they’re not to blame for the behavior of their parent or caregiver. By acknowledging the pain of the child they once were, they can begin to heal old wounds and develop healthy emotional skills moving forward. Programs, such as Adult Children of Alcoholics, can also help ACoAs identify their trauma and grieve their past experiences in a healthy way.

Children with alcoholic parents often develop patterns of codependency later in life. They have good intentions to help their loved ones but end up neglecting their own wellbeing while enabling the addict. Setting boundaries is essential for good relationships. ACoAs must learn to assert their limits and stick to them. Having others respect their boundaries is necessary to establish trust and vulnerability in relationships. Without it, the relationship is too one-sided.

It’s possible for adults to overcome codependency and support their loved ones suffering from addiction in a healthy way. They need to learn how to recognize addictive behaviors and have a strategy for handling them without sacrificing their own wellbeing. It’s natural for recovering addicts to experience triggers and urges, but professional support can help minimize the risk of a relapse.

One of the ongoing problems many ACoAs experience is a lack of assertiveness in communicating their own needs and emotions. As children, they were never given the space to express themselves. Instead, the focus was on the adult addict’s needs.

Healing past wounds is crucial to overcoming challenges, such as people-pleasing and repairing relationships. As an adult, the traumatized individual must learn it’s not selfish to take care of themselves. They need to understand what they truly want and start speaking up about their needs and opinions, while setting boundaries to prevent others from disregarding them.

The ACoA can begin to embark on a journey of self-discovery and personal growth by taking an active approach. Instead of passively allowing others to dictate their lives, they need to start exploring their own interests, what they believe in, what their core values are, and what they feel passionate about. As the individual starts to build a sense of self-worth, they become more resilient to external forces.

ACoAs can break the cycle of trauma for future generations by working on their own recovery and committing to parenting their children with mindfulness and compassion. Healing from trauma takes time, effort, and kindness, but it’s possible. It’s important to advocate for mental health and addiction resources in communities, so ACoAs and anyone suffering from a dysfunctional upbringing can access help.

Navigating through trauma is ideally done with the support of a professional who can assist the individual with processing their trauma. The recovery journey may cause flashbacks, dissociation, and other uncomfortable symptoms. An expert can help the individual to identify triggers and adapt coping strategies like grounding techniques to support emotional regulation. Simple activities, such as deep breathing exercises, positive self-talk, and journaling about complex or difficult emotions, can make a big difference.